Amy’s story: Processing grief after loss

Sadly, we experienced 2 pregnancy losses through the journey to parenthood that had a huge impact and were the precursor to everything that followed, including postnatal depression after my son was born.

Grief following a stillbirth

My first daughter, Emily, was stillborn at 28 weeks' gestation. We were very lucky to have a couple of days to spend with Emily in the hospital after I delivered her to take photos and hand/footprints so we could have her memory with us forever.

I felt a lot of despair, and I worried that maybe I would never have a healthy live baby. I also blamed myself for not picking up on issues sooner or not pushing hard enough at appointments when I thought something was wrong. It was my first pregnancy, and I was told that everything was okay and that I was just being paranoid, but I knew something wasn’t right.

Support through grief

Our immediate family were supportive; however, all my family is in Canada, so it was really hard for them. My mum travelled overseas to be with me, but it wasn’t possible for anyone else. My husband’s family were supportive the best way they knew how, but everyone around us was just really sad.

I had a few close friends after we lost Emily who stuck around, but we also had a lot of friends just disappear. It really hurt at the time, but reflecting on it now, I know it wasn’t personal, and they were just unable to cope with whatever feelings and emotions it had brought up for them.

I had only been living in Australia for a couple of years and hadn’t found my own ‘people’ yet. It was very isolating and lonely for the two of us to grieve Emily.

Support through shared experience

An extended family member reached out to us and told us she had a very similar experience in the 1970’s with her first child. She told us she delivered the baby, was told it had died, and the baby was immediately taken away. She said she didn’t even know if it was a girl or a boy. It has haunted her whole life. This was the first person I had known other than myself who had the experience of losing a baby.

Sadly, a close friend of ours had a stillbirth not long after us, and our babies are buried in the same butterfly lawn together.

Otherwise, it still is a subject that people don’t really want to talk about.

Finding ways to cope

I was able to reach out to some support services at the time, and we went to counselling together as a couple, which helped.

A difficult decision to terminate for medical reasons

We then had my daughter and moved to Brisbane for a year. While living there we lost another girl, Skye, at 17 weeks' gestation as she had Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome). Making the decision to terminate the pregnancy was extremely difficult.

I don’t even remember if I went to counselling at that time after Skye’s termination, the whole experience was very surreal.

I didn’t know anyone who had medically terminated a baby due to chromosomal issues, and it wasn’t something I felt comfortable talking about at the time as I felt a lot of guilt around making the decision to terminate.

Had we not lost Emily, I might have made a different decision, but I knew I couldn’t go through an almost full pregnancy again with the high risk of losing another baby.

How we commemorate Emily and Skye

Emily is buried at a cemetery on the Butterfly Lawn, and for the first few years we used to visit often, bringing gifts, decorations or just some flowers from our garden. We didn’t bring our son or daughter until they were old enough to understand, and in recent years we haven’t made the trip to visit her as much as I would like. She does come up in conversation in our family every so often, so we can talk about how the kids did have a sister (who is listed on their birth certificate) and sometimes we wonder what she might have been like.

Skye was cremated and we have her ashes at home. As she was only 17 weeks, she couldn’t be registered as a birth, but we do acknowledge her date as much as we can. We used to light a candle; now, it’s something that I talk about to help raise awareness for other women, and I feel that is a respectful way of honouring her short time within me.

Developing postnatal depression

I became pregnant with my son only a few months after we lost Skye, so my body really didn’t have time to recover at all. I probably hadn’t grieved properly for Skye, and this contributed to me developing postpartum depression in the year after having my son.

It was the cumulation of being pregnant and breastfeeding for such a long time, and I didn't bond with him.

Around 10 weeks after having my son I started to feel really irritable and feeling like I didn’t want to take care of him anymore.

I didn't have those same emotions when I had my daughter, so I was feeling a lot of guilt that I felt that way towards my son.

Finding support for postnatal depression

My husband was extremely supportive and recognised I needed help.

My friend and my husband both encouraged me to reach out and call PANDA which was my first point of call. If I hadn't had the support of PANDA, my husband, and my mum who came over from Canada, I don't know how I would have gotten through that really tough time in my life.

The helpline counsellor helped acknowledge my feelings and find local support through my GP and maternal child and health nurse.

I was admitted to the mother baby unit at the hospital and begun on medication.

After a week in the mother and baby unit and being on the right medication I started to feel better, and I was able to care for my baby. It took me close to 8 months to feel myself again.

The road to recovery and life after support

When my son was around 11 months old and I was on the road to recovery, something inside me snapped and I decided to throw myself back into health, nutrition and exercise. I got back into running, the gym, and I ended up taking up triathlons. Over the next 5 years, I trained and then completed an Ironman Triathlon in 2016. I then got into bodybuilding and have since competed in 3 competitions between 2019 and 2021.

After going through this experience, I went back to university to study a Master of Counselling. I am currently working as a career's counsellor, but in future, I intend to practice as a counsellor helping other women going through postpartum depression.

A message for other parents

I’d like other parents to know that you're not alone, your feelings are normal and talking about it is okay. Reach out to someone you trust, and you know will listen.

Don’t isolate yourself. You might want to push everyone away, but the people who love you are just doing the best they can and want you to be okay. So let them be there, even when you don’t want them to be.

Reach out to your local services, go to your GP and ask them for recommendations, call PANDA, call SIDS&KIDS, contact the maternal child health nurse in your area for resources. There are so many wonderful organisations out there who are there to help and support a grieving parent. There will be one that fits.

And lastly, don’t give up hope. Remember that every day you will feel a little bit better. The pain will slowly subside and one day you will get to a point where you can write about it, like I am now, without tears in your eyes.

How can someone best support a grieving parent?