Aliza’s story: Gender disappointment and my mental health

My son had always asked for a sibling and would often say he wanted a brother. I thought I would never get pregnant again, so it came as a complete surprise when I found out I was pregnant with my second child after nine years. 

Disappointment that the family unit wouldn’t look as expected

When I found out I was having a girl, I was not happy. I had always pictured myself as a “boy mum,” especially after raising my son as an only child for so many years. That image had become so strong in my mind that I never imagined anything different.

The disappointment was mainly my own, but I was also upset for my son. I felt like he wouldn’t get the brother he had always wished for. I had built a very specific idea of what our family would look like, and when it didn’t match, it was difficult for me to accept.

It wasn’t easy, but I was able to acknowledge my feelings.

Gender disappointment and my mental health

My gender disappointment lasted throughout my entire pregnancy, and it had a significant impact on my mental health. I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy at all, which was very different from what I had expected.

I share a very strong bond with my son, and the thought of not feeling the same way about my daughter made me extremely anxious.

These thoughts would often overwhelm me, and I found myself crying every other day. I was also worried about broader issues, such as how women are sometimes treated in society and within my culture, which added another layer of stress during my pregnancy.

Looking back, I believe pregnancy hormones also played a significant role in intensifying these emotions.

Getting support

I started attending regular counselling sessions where I could express my thoughts honestly, and that became a safe space for me. It played a major role in helping me work through my feelings of disappointment. Being able to speak openly and honestly without fear of judgment made a big difference.

I still remember one conversation where a counsellor gently said to me, “Imagine going to a Taylor Swift concert with your daughter. You can do all the girly things together.”

At the time, I didn’t feel excited or connected to that idea, but it stayed with me.

When my feelings changed

What truly changed everything was the moment I held my daughter for the first time. It was love at first sight. All the fear, doubt, and sadness I had carried throughout my pregnancy disappeared in that moment.

Sometimes I even wonder how I could ever send her to childcare because I just want to be with her all the time.

I still smile when I think about the first time she started dancing to a Taylor Swift song. It made me realise how much my feelings had changed.

How life looks now

Today, my son and daughter share a beautiful bond. He absolutely adores his little sister and now even says, “I don’t want a brother.” Watching them play together, have little song parties in his room, and enjoying each other’s company brings me so much joy.

I also remember my counsellor telling me that I would have a wonderful opportunity to raise my son to treat women with kindness and respect, especially now that he has both a mother and a sister. That perspective stayed with me.

My message for other parents experiencing feelings of gender disappointment

My message is: please don’t feel bad or guilty for what you’re feeling. Gender disappointment is real, and it is okay to acknowledge it.

Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Your partner, family, friends, or a therapist. I would also strongly encourage reaching out to PANDA, as they provide support without judgment and truly help you feel understood.

Trust that this phase will pass. The way you feel during pregnancy does not define the kind of parent you will be.