Managing your mental health after gender disappointment

When you find out you’re expecting a baby, it’s normal to visualise what your life as a parent might look like. 

For some people, this might be imagining certain activities with your child, such as their first ballet lesson, while for others it might be about recreating your own childhood where you had your sister as a best friend. For some people, it’s part of their culture to have a preference for a particular gender.

Reasons people might feel gender disappointment

• Social or cultural expectations/pressures
• Desire to experience both genders
• Concerns around ability to parent/relate to a specific gender
• Unresolved trauma around a certain gender (e.g. due to domestic violence, sexual assault, bullying)
• Concerns that parenting a certain gender will be harder (e.g. anxiety around keeping a girl safe).

What happens if you find out your child is not the gender you were hoping for

When you find out your child is not the gender you were hoping for, it can bring about a range of emotions and feelings. For some people, these feelings are fleeting, while for others these feelings can increase in intensity.

Gender disappointment is a common and normal human response. The most important thing to understand is that it doesn’t mean you won’t love your child. It means your brain is recalibrating a future that it had already started living in. 

You might experience some involuntary emotions in the hours or moments after finding out your baby’s gender including:

• Shock as your brain struggles to process the news
• Sadness because a specific expectation wasn’t met
• Fear as your brain begins to worry about the unknown.

Once your brain starts making meaning out of these emotions, you might experience more complex feelings including:

• Grief for the imaginary child you had been mentally bonding with
• Disappointment due to the gap between your imagined reality and the actual reality
• Guilt because you aren’t feeling happy
• Envy when you see or hear about someone who has a child of the gender you wanted 

These feelings are very real because your brain isn’t always able to distinguish between an actual loss and the loss of an expectation.

How to cope with feelings of gender disappointment

For some, challenges in processing your feelings of gender disappointment can lead to you experiencing symptoms of perinatal anxiety and/or depression. Our intense feelings can often pass once we give them the space to be processed.

PANDA Peer Practitioner Marley shares that one of the most important steps is to acknowledge your feelings.

“This can be challenging but is really important for healing,” explains Marley.

“Allow yourself to notice the feelings without judgment. This also means having compassion for yourself and understanding that these feelings don't make you a bad person. Next, communicate with those you trust, as this can help you feel less alone. Finally, if you are finding these feelings difficult to work through on your own, you might consider seeking professional support.’

How can we best process our internal feelings when we are consumed with the physical demands of looking after a newborn and the expectation by others that we should be overjoyed? 

1. Separate the reality from the dream

The first step in grieving is to realise what you are really mourning.

• You are not mourning the baby you brought home from hospital

• You are mourning the mental image of a baby you created.

Strategy to try: Give the ‘imaginary baby’ a place to go. Some parents find it helpful to write a letter to the son or daughter they thought they were having. Say goodbye to the specific activities you imagined (e.g., ‘I'm sad I won't get to take a daughter to ballet’).

By putting it on paper, you move the grief out of your heart and into a physical space, allowing you to return to your newborn with more presence.

1. Practice experiencing multiple feelings at the same time

You do not have to choose between processing your grief and gently caring for your new baby. You can do both at the same time.

You can change your new baby’s nappy, feel the warmth of your baby’s skin, and provide loving care while also feeling a deep sense of loss. Feelings are not mutually exclusive. You are capable of feeling love for your new baby at the same time as feeling devastated that you don't have a baby of the other gender. 

1. Manage the ‘performance’ for others

The expectation of ‘joy’ from friends and family can be the most exhausting part.

You don’t have to tell everyone how you're really feeling, but you also don’t have to lie. For example, if someone says, ‘How wonderful, you must be so happy’, you can say, ‘It’s been a huge adjustment, and we are just taking it one day at a time right now’. 

1. Reframe guilt or disappointment as ‘processing time’

You haven’t done anything wrong by feeling the way you do. Like all grief situations, it takes time to feel better. 

For some people, these feelings can also come up later in the parenting journey, particularly if they feel they are missing out on certain aspects of parenting or comparing themselves to other families.

1. Find someone to talk to

Stigma might prevent you from talking about how you’re feeling or seeking help.

Find one person you can speak honestly with about how you're really feeling. Having a safe place where you don’t have to feel like you’re putting on a front will prevent your grief from becoming a secret shame.

Marley explains that gender disappointment is a common theme with parents who call the PANDA helpline.

“Anyone can feel it; first-time parents, those with other children, and those who have experienced fertility challenges and/or loss,” she says.

“Gender disappointment is often a hidden shame that can leave parents feeling a sense of guilt, sadness, anger, and anxiety. Because of this, there is real potential for these feelings to lead to postnatal depression and attachment difficulties. This is why acknowledgement and support are vitally important.”

Marley shares how gender disappointment can show up for some parents,

‘Shame and guilt are the most common feelings that parents share. These are usually tempered with a sense that they "shouldn't" feel this way’.

‘It's not something that a lot of people feel comfortable sharing as there is a real fear of judgement. This is particularly challenging for those who have had difficult pregnancies/fertility issues - gender disappointment can be hard to reconcile when the journey to having a baby has been fraught.'

Marley also explains how grief is also present for many of these parents, but it's not something they're necessarily aware of as we typically associate grief with loss. ‘Gender disappointment is a type of grief, where you are grieving the loss of a life you imagined’. 

Gender disappointment doesn’t mean you won’t be a good parent or you won’t love your child. You can grieve the family you imagined while still being grateful for the baby you have or are expecting.

How gender disappointment can impact relationships

Gender disappointment can impact relationships if you or your partner aren’t able to process your feelings in a safe way.

While it’s normal to feel disappointed and even angry when learning your baby isn’t the sex you’d hoped for, it’s not okay to express this in a way that’s physically or emotionally unsafe for your partner, or to take your disappointment out on them or others.

You’re not alone: Where to get emotional support

Understand that you aren't alone in this feeling and that many people feel gender disappointment for many reasons. Be gentle with yourself and remember that those feelings won't always be present, especially as you begin to bond with your baby.