Pregnancy and a new baby after loss

Sometimes it can feel like there’s pressure on you to move on, but healing takes time, and there is no right or wrong way to experience loss. Grief can feel like a strong current, sometimes pulling you to uncomfortable or scary water, but learning to move with your emotions rather than fighting against them can allow you to better navigate them.

It's important to be kind and compassionate with yourself, giving space to all the thoughts and feelings that come up during pregnancy and after you have your baby. You could try setting aside some time each day to reflect on everything you’re feeling.

Some parents find it helpful to schedule time alone or with a support person to talk about the baby they lost, and how it'simpacting their pregnancy or parenthood experience. This could be a set time you put aside with your partner each day or week, providing structure and boundaries for intense emotions to be expressed without feeling overwhelmed.

If you named your baby and you feel comfortable doing so, use their name in conversation. Doing this can help you feel more connected to your baby, and to keep their memory alive. Being able to talk openly about your baby may also help you process the grief of losing them, while honouring their little life.

While stillbirth and miscarriage are common, many parents find that it's difficult to talk about it with anyone who hasn't experienced it. If you share your experience with someone, and they react in an unexpected or unhelpful way it's important to know that this isn't a reflection on you, your status as a parent or your relationship with your baby. It'sa good idea to find people to talk to who make you feel safe, heard and supported.

Pregnancy after loss can feel lonely and isolating, but there are many specialist services available if you need support.

It may help to talk to someone who isn’t directly affected by your loss like a perinatal grief counsellor, or services like PANDA and Red Nose. These supports often help parents manage conflicting feelings about pregnancy after loss, and can provide a safe, private space for you to share your experience.

Preparing for pregnancy

Choosing to plan for another baby is a deeply personal decision. Only you know what’s best for yourself and your family. It’s normal to think and feel unsure, or just not ready for another pregnancy – yet also common to want to conceive again as soon as possible. You may want to try again but your partner needs more time to grieve, or they feel undecided in other ways.

There may never be a ‘right’ time for you to plan another pregnancy, or your next pregnancy may be unplanned and happening without a conscious choice from either you or your partner.

If you’re feeling confused or unsure, it may help to chat with a counsellor about your feelings and options.

If you do decide to try for another baby, it’s natural to feel anxious and worried about what might happen. It’s common to feel scared that this baby may die too, and to have difficulty bonding with your new baby during pregnancy. You may experience feelings of guilt about your decision to plan another pregnancy, and worry that having a new baby will seem like you’re replacing or forgetting your child that died., or that people might forget your other baby. It might be hard to imagine what the future looks like. Remember that all your feelings are valid, and you don’t need to justify them to anyone.

Pregnancy can be challenging for many parents, but this can be magnified when you’ve already experienced the loss of a baby. When you’re preparing for another pregnancy, it’s important to continue making a conscious effort to look after yourself and each other. This includes your mental, emotional, physical and social wellbeing.

Talking to your family and loved ones

A new pregnancy may generate discussion about your previous pregnancy loss. Prepare yourself to have those conversations with friends, family, and your other children (if you have them). The opposite can also happen – you may experience an upsurge of grief for your baby who died yet feel that your loved ones are behaving as though your previous pregnancy didn’t happen, or that you’ve “moved on” with your new pregnancy.

It can be hard to manage the feeling that something might go wrong when you have a very real experience of the worst happening to you. It’s common to experience intrusive thoughts of what happened then, and what you fear may happen again. It’s important that you have space to express and process these thoughts and feelings. It’s just as important that you have opportunities to enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.

Family and friends may offer their love, advice, and support, but they might not fully understand the range of emotions you’re experiencing. If you’re having trouble explaining your mixed feelings, you can talk to a PANDA counsellor or someone from Red Nose Australia. It can also be helpful to set small milestones and spend time with your loved ones and doing things that you enjoy.

When baby arrives

It’s okay to give yourself time and space to feel everything, and know these emotions may take some time to process.

Where to get support

Many parents find it helpful to discuss their own situation and feelings about another pregnancy. This may be with a hospital social worker, a grief counsellor or a counselling service such as PANDA or Red Nose.

Talking with other parents who have experienced pregnancy loss can also be helpful. Red Nose offers online and group support services, and PANDA provides peer support. Speaking to someone who has had a similar experience can be very reassuring and affirming.

Other services that can support you:

• Red Nose Grief and Loss
• Pink Elephants Support network 
• Stilbirth Foundation Australia
• The Perinatal Loss Centre

This article is written in collaboration with Red Nose Australia, Australia’s leading authority on safe sleep and safer pregnancy advice, and bereavement support for anyone affected by the death of a baby or child.