My story begins with the birth of my eldest daughter in 2021. My husband and I had been together for eight years when we fell pregnant. I had a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy, carried my daughter to 41 weeks, and really enjoyed the magic of growing a tiny human. I’d had bouts of anxiety here and there over the years but during pregnancy, I had no concerns about my mental health, and I was never flagged during any of the prenatal screenings.
I knew parenthood wouldn’t be a walk in the park, but I never considered the possibility or knew about the severity of experiencing perinatal mental health challenges.
“I knew about the ‘baby blues’ and prepared myself for the possibility of feeling emotional, but a severe depressive episode with psychotic symptoms and a 5 week stay in a mother & baby unit was never in my realm of possibilities.”
Experiencing postnatal depression
Four days after the birth, my mental health rapidly declined and reached crisis point.
A 37-hour labour, a COVID snap lockdown and an unsettled baby contributed to the deterioration of my mental state. Hours before leaving the maternity ward, I was given the advice to stop breastfeeding and begin pumping to give my breasts time to heal. I left the hospital feeling anxious about this advice and what it meant and how to do it. I remember asking my husband if he understood everything the lactation consultant had said, as I was having difficulty processing and understanding her advice. At that point, I just put it down to being tired, but it’s clear now that the confusion and brain fog that I experienced during my depression had already begun as early as those moments.
I started noticing more severe symptoms when I got home, three days after the birth. I couldn’t sleep, despite how tired I felt and how hard I tried. I had intrusive thoughts of harm to my baby, accidental and intentional, and ruminations about my relationship. Both of which were incredibly distressing to me. I felt that my body was in a constant state of fight or flight. My attention, concentration and memory at that point was very impaired. Keeping track of the time between feeds and the amount of milk I was pumping had me in a spiral of confusion and doubt. Simple tasks such as showering and making a bottle felt impossible.
“There was a constant circulation of unwanted intrusive thoughts that I felt I couldn’t escape from. I felt trapped inside my own head.”
Realising ‘I’m not okay’
We had been home for two nights, when my husband called my parents to come over, as he could see that I wasn’t right. I remember the moment they were about to leave to go home. I was changing my daughter’s nappy and intrusive thoughts of dropping her kept running through my head. Weak and shaking, I handed my daughter to my mum before becoming unsteady on my feet. The built-up pressure from internalising these thoughts on my own was released when I told them ‘I’m not okay’.
A midwife was scheduled to come to the house the next morning and she gave us the number of the Acute Care Team, the first point of contact for the Gold Coast Mental Health service. After several hours and no improvement, my family made the call to phone an ambulance.
I am so fortunate to have an incredible family and husband who sought the support I needed. I imagine this would have been an incredibly tough call to make, as the COVID pandemic restricted any visitors from hospitals. My family put me in an ambulance knowing they couldn’t come, that they wouldn’t be able to see me, and that my daughter would be without her mum.
Admission to the mother baby unit
The prospect of going to hospital alone was scary, but the thought of not getting help was worse. I was placed on a treatment authority and was initially admitted into the Mental Health Vulnerable Patients Unit for a few nights, awaiting transfer to the Lavender Mother and Baby Unit.
I spent five weeks in a mother baby unit receiving treatment for severe postnatal depression.
As tough as it was, hospital was the right place for me. I was supported by nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists and occupational therapists. The initial weeks in the hospital were the hardest. I resisted medication and sleep, and my cognitive capacity to participate in the group therapy program was limited. I felt numb and like a shell of a human. I was ashamed and embarrassed of where I was and what this meant about me as a person and as a mum but equally, I couldn’t really comprehend what was happening to me and I wanted to go home.
The recovery journey
As the weeks went on, the medications were slowly helping, but I was grappling with the diagnosis of postnatal depression.
“I didn’t believe that I had postnatal depression, because “I wasn’t sad”. I felt nothing.”
All I knew was that I wanted to get better, I didn’t want to feel that way anymore and I didn’t want to ‘ruin my baby’s life’. I was offered Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) which was the turning point. I had 30 sessions of repetitive TMS and started noticing improvements after a couple of sessions.
Upon discharge from the mother baby unit, I was recommended a psychologist who I still see to this day, and I am so grateful that I found her. She has taught me so much.
After medication, TMS, talk therapy and having supportive family and friends around me, I started feeling like myself again. I started getting into the groove of being a mum and loving it.
I have a distinct memory, a couple of weeks after discharge from the hospital, of playing with my daughter and feeling pure joy. I thought to myself, “I get to do this every day” and for the first time, that really excited me.
“Postnatal depression stole the first six weeks of my baby’s life from me, but that moment proved that it wasn’t going to steal our future.”
Despite being the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, I choose to focus on the silver linings. I was able to recover relatively quickly because of the support I received, I learnt more about myself than I could ever imagine and the skills and mindset that I gained because of my depression has only improved my life.
Having a second baby
In 2024, I fell pregnant with our second daughter.
From the very beginning, I prioritised my mental health alongside my physical health. I was linked in early with the Perinatal Mental Health team and had clear plans in place to support my birth and the postpartum period. I felt I had a safety net, ready to catch me if I needed it. The support I received, combined with my own knowledge of perinatal and infant mental health, allowed me to approach my second pregnancy with awareness, confidence, and hope.
When you’ve experienced a severe mental illness, you are very well flagged within the system. I received incredible care and support from a multitude of teams. For that, I am so grateful. However, I wish that this level of care and support was the norm, despite whether you’ve experienced perinatal mental ill health. If every first-time mum had the support and care I received, I wonder if the statistics would be different.
After my first birth experience, I knew there were certain things I wanted to do differently the second time around. I made intentional decisions that came from what I had learned about myself and what I needed to stay well. These weren’t just medical choices — they were strategies to protect my mental health.
My birth was everything I could have hoped for — calm, positive, and healing in every sense of the word.
I’m now eight months postpartum, and I feel so grateful — and proud — that my mental health has been protected this time with the support of everyone around me. I’m thriving and loving life as a mum to my two beautiful, cheeky girls, and still find myself in awe of just how different this experience has been.
The impact of postnatal depression
The impact my postnatal depression had on me, and my family was profound. From the initial symptoms to now, postnatal depression has left remnants of its existence on our lives, both negative and positive.
We are now more aware and hold a different mindset surrounding mental health and the importance of speaking up about it. Opportunities arose because of the experience and our relationships grew closer.
“I’ve learnt through my experience that vulnerability increases connection, which is why I find it so powerful to share my story.”
I’ve also learnt that mental illness doesn’t just affect the person experiencing it, but the people within their life. When I was initially taken to hospital, my husband was left at home with our four-day old baby for three nights. As a first-time dad, with a partner in a psychiatric hospital, I can only imagine how tough that must have been. He didn’t work for six months. He took the time off to care for me and our baby. In addition to my husband, my parents would visit me in the hospital after work every day for 5 weeks, despite how long it made their day and the emotional toll. My husband’s parents couldn’t see their granddaughter. Our siblings couldn’t visit their niece. The impact was far-reaching.
As for me, it impacted my ability to bond with my baby, which was incredibly difficult for me to accept. As a teacher with knowledge and an interest in childhood trauma and attachment, I knew how important a secure attachment was, and it broke me that I wasn’t providing that.
Supporting my mental health now
I still take medication daily and see my psychologist. I support my mental health by getting enough sleep, going for a walk or to Pilates and through social connections, as I value and thrive off being around family and friends. I try to prioritise spending my time on things that bring me joy; spending time outdoors and around water and practising gratitude for these things.
I’ve learnt to really listen to my body and my mind and take breaks and rest when I need it.
If I’m struggling or even just feeling a bit off, I speak up. I let my husband, family or friends know and talk through how I’m feeling. Through my experience with postnatal depression, I’ve learnt that suppressing feelings and thoughts is never helpful. Talking and sharing helps me process emotions and move through them in a healthy way.
“I try to be as compassionate and kind with myself as I am with other people.”
I do my best to notice thoughts that aren’t helpful and label them as such.
I've adopted a ‘good enough parenting’ mindset which has really helped to curb the perfectionist traits that can so easily show up within parenting. Knowing that I don’t need to, nor is it optimal, to get things perfect or right every time, helps me to have compassion for myself and confidence in my parenting.
If someone had told me back when I was in Lavender that I would have a second baby, be working with Motherhood Village and PANDA, be a Circle of Security parenting and classroom facilitator, and loving life with my husband and our two beautiful girls, I would never have believed them.
“When you are in the depths of it, it’s almost impossible to see or believe that your mental illness is just that — an illness. That it’s not your fault, that it doesn’t define you, and that it’s not forever.”
Telling someone that you are not okay, will relieve the built-up pressure inside you and prompt the support that you need and deserve. You’re not alone. You are a good parent, you’re just having a tough time, and that’s okay.
“It’s so hard, but there is hope, even in the darkest of times. It will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”
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