Marley’s story: the unexpected challenges of new parenthood
“I had full intentions of being a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing 'earth mother' who would take everything in her stride. The reality was the complete opposite, and I felt that I had failed in almost every way.”
I live with my husband, three beautiful children, our cat, our dog, and our chicken. We love adventures and are often off camping or exploring this wonderful country.
I wanted children ever since I was a child myself. As an only child to a single mother, I always longed for a family and had my heart set on having three children. I have always loved kids and believed that parenting would come naturally because I always had a caring, nurturing presence.
I thought it would be 'easy' and that all I had to do was follow the natural course - falling in love with my baby the moment she popped out from a drug-free natural birth. I had full intentions of being a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing 'earth mother' who would take everything in her stride.
“The reality was the complete opposite, and I felt that I had failed in almost every way.”
A traumatic birth and a challenging start to new parenthood
My birth was a horrific experience resulting in a significant postpartum haemorrhage and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). My body didn't produce enough milk no matter how hard I tried (I literally tried every possible solution), my baby wouldn't latch, wouldn't sleep, and hated being worn in the carrier. I was exhausted and depleted in every sense of the word, and it took me months to finally fall in love with my baby.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I had given birth.
“It was very clear to me that how I was feeling was not 'normal’, but it was dismissed as being just part of the welcome to parenthood.”
The experience had a significant impact on my family. It caused immense strain in my relationship and significant stress with other family members who just wanted me to 'snap out of it'.
Finding the right support
Even though I had said to others that I was struggling, no-one really took me seriously until I was 6 weeks postpartum and the maternal child and health nurse told me that I needed immediate help. It was then that everybody swung into action to help me get the support I desperately needed.
I used PANDA’s online mental health checklist tool to see what was going on which was really helpful. I was able to show others that what was going on for me was not just a normal part of becoming a parent and that I actually needed urgent help.
I was very lucky that I had a good care team around me and was able to access the support. Once the health nurse identified the issue, I was linked in quickly and admitted to the Mother Baby Unit (MBU). I started seeing the psychologist that had supported me during my teenage years, and they quickly linked me with a GP to get me on the right medication to get me back on track.
Life after getting support
Life was so much more enjoyable once I had support. It didn't happen right away but slowly each day I began to feel the weight of the big grey cloud lifting. Then one day, I looked at my beautiful daughter and my heart burst with all the love and adoration I had been waiting to feel. From then on, life got better and better.
“It wasn't smooth sailing, but each day brought more light and happiness.”
I am very aware of my mental health now and very good at speaking up when I feel like things might be slipping. I also prioritise my physical health because I have a strong mind-body connection, so exercise is important. Things that help me are being creative, listening to podcasts, taking my dog for walks and laughing with my family.
I like to meditate in the morning and sometimes in the evening when my mind is racing and I'm trying to slow it down to sleep. I nourish my body with good food and surround myself with people who lift my spirits. I also try to talk to myself the way I would if a friend came to me struggling.
“I’d like other parents to know that you are not alone. This experience can feel incredibly isolating, and you may think that no-one else feels the way you do. The reality is that many parents go through this and that you don't have to suffer in silence.”
“Remember, you won't always feel this way. Right now, you might be struggling but there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, you just need extra support and that is okay. It can be hard to reach out when you feel so vulnerable but there are people who can support you and help you to recover.”
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