Hello, my name is Kimberley, I am married to my husband, Josh, and we have two daughters, Aaliyah (8) and Phoebie (5). I am an Interior Designer with an interest in community well-being and mental health.
At the beginning, I was thrilled with starting our little family and becoming parents alongside my husband. Then things started to feel quite heavy leading up to the birth. I expected my pregnancy with our firstborn daughter to be this beautiful growth from being a woman to becoming a first-time mum and entering this next stage of life. However, the reality wasn’t quite what I expected.
Starting a family when living rurally
We were living rurally which impacted much of my experience of the perinatal period.
During the time Josh was working full time in agricultural diesel services, and we would only see him for a short time in the morning. At night he would be home very late, and some days our girls wouldn't get to see him till that next morning. It was very lonely and isolating.
I had to become a solo parent while my husband was working around the clock.
It was very stressful in the beginning for our new little family. My husband faced a lot of pressure with his workload and the seasons of agriculture. It caused a lot of relationship issues within our marriage.
The benefits and challenges of living rurally in the perinatal period
Living rurally offered the benefits of vast open spaces, and the smaller towns made it easier to get to know other mothers and families. Having the mums and bubs group for six or so weeks was beneficial.
However, there were also challenges that came with living rurally. In some areas, mental health needs are currently not being met with the right support.
Living rurally means there is a lot of driving to get things done, making appointments and travelling for essential items. Accessing certain services often involved a cost. I found that when I was in a really hard place with mental health challenges, the waiting times were very long for the next doctor's appointment or psychologist appointment.
“Being an independent mother away from family was a huge challenge, but I overcame that and just kept moving along day to day - taking care of the baby and making sure she was well, fed and healthy.”
Finding the right support
I didn’t get properly diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and depression until my eldest child was 17 months old. It was a huge shock at the time, but then it all made sense. I ended up at my doctor’s rooms as I wasn’t in a great place mentally and was experiencing suicidal ideations and just feeling like I was in this big dark cloud which I couldn’t escape.
I had to seek help from my doctor, but all I was given was a piece of paper with two phone numbers on it and told to go home.
“Because I was living rurally, I felt I was in a very deep, dark place. I felt totally isolated and very alone. ”
My husband didn’t understand what I was going through, as it was new and hard for him as well.
It took a while for me to find the help I needed. I was feeling guilt and anger over being diagnosed later on in motherhood and it hit me hard. I eventually reached out and found a psychologist who supported me through the time.
Having a support network ready for a second pregnancy
During my second pregnancy, I made sure I had my aunt who is a midwife, psychologist, obstetric doctor, mental health doctor, and some close friends with kids and babies. It was crucial to have that support network at the beginning, so I felt that if I needed help at some point, I would already have that person there to guide me. If I had that in my first pregnancy, I think it would have made mothering feel a lot calmer and supported.
I was feeling great about completing our family with a second baby, and Aaliyah becoming a big sister, but after giving birth to Phoebie, my mental health dropped, and it wasn’t as I expected at all. I felt very overwhelmed and full of rage which was not normal for me. I needed to get more support.
Fitness was my major pivotal moment in getting better and having that accountability with my trainer. It made the journey feel like I was getting better within my mind and body - mentally and physically. I had psychologist appointments every couple of weeks to talk over life, family and circumstances. I also had my aunt/midwife throughout my second pregnancy for checkups and at the birth of our second daughter.
My husband, whom I adore, has always been by my side when I need to deal with my journey's challenges.
“As time went on and under professional guidance, I learnt that having fewer expectations made life easier with two little ones under three. Just taking a step back and being there for myself first, so I could take care of my family.”
Last year, my husband became a FIFO husband/dad, and there is much more quality time together as a family. He's home for 12 days straight. We have a lot more quality time as a family now. We have time to plan trips away, he can take the girls to school and pick them up and has more time to spend with us. Our marriage improved and we know when his shifts will be and where he will be months ahead.
Ongoing self-care
Now that it's been a few years into this mothering journey, I have since completed my degree, graduated with honours and am now stepping into where my path next lies. I am in-tune with my mental health, and if it's feeling heavy, I step back and self-preserve in areas where my energy is needed to maintain health.
Meditation, fitness, counselling sessions and communicating with my husband have been such a benefit for me. I’m not afraid of saying “Hey, I’m not feeling great” or “I can feel a small storm brewing”. If I know that I haven’t been taking care of myself, I can change my priorities and get back on my path.
A message for other parents
Try to have your support networks in place - for you, your partner, and family. Keep communicating and holding space for your partner, and if you notice things have changed with your loved one, go gently with questions and offering of support. Be there for one another.
“You need to take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of your precious family members. You matter most!”
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