I am a recently retired midwife. I am married and have three sons and four grandsons.
Misunderstood and undiagnosed
I had undiagnosed postnatal depression following the birth of my first son in 1983. I always wanted to be a mum, and I could not understand why it was so hard.
My father died suddenly when my son was three months old which was very distressing for me.
I asked for help, but I was told all new mums felt the same. Every time a friend had a baby, I felt so sorry for them.
Postnatal depression was largely not recognised or understood. It was a journey of trial and error to find professional support.
One day, when my baby was nine months old, I woke up and my symptoms had gone. I distinctly remember making a macrame hanging basket for the bathroom after having no energy or motivation for months.
My second son was born two years later, and I had a very distressing experience on day three. I had excessive anxiety and agitation, but things settled down very quickly. He was an unsettled baby, but my mental health was fine. I returned to work when he was about ten months old.
Finding support after my third baby
In 1988, I birthed my very much wanted third son, Simon. My pregnancy was complicated by panic attacks which I had never experienced before. I had a beautiful birth but on day six, everything changed.
I saw a doctor when my baby was six weeks old because of debilitating insomnia and utter exhaustion. She described antidepressants.
The next eighteen months are a blur. I resigned from my job, I tried different medications, and different GPs. I was frequently suicidal.
It was a very long road to recovery. I fought so hard to get better - for my children and my husband. Being a mother is my greatest gift and achievement.
I found PANDA and I started to see some light. Unfortunately, a lot of the contact and people I met are a blur, but I know how important they were to my survival.
“The telephone support threw me a lifeline. They knew exactly what I was talking about. I felt listened to and not judged. They gave me contact details for doctors who were known for being receptive. ”
In May 1990, I had Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), and I got my life back.
Reflecting on my experience
Sadly, in 2006, my beautiful Simon died aged 17 years from an inoperable brain tumour.
Life has thrown me many curve balls, but none have debilitated and tried to destroy me as much as postnatal depression.
However, I have never felt bitter about the postnatal depression I experienced because that was part of my journey.
“When I was sick, I told my Mum that I had lost myself. She wisely told me I was in fact finding myself.”
Getting my life back
After ECT, the psychiatrist told me I would never work again. But I am a fighter.
I was able to resume my career. I worked for many years full time and as a midwifery manager, both in Victoria and regional Western Australia.
In 2019, I was awarded the Excellence in Midwifery award at the Western Australia Excellence in Nursing and Midwifery Awards. It was the day before Mother’s Day which felt significant as mothering has been such a focus of my personal and professional life.
I now have two beautiful daughters in law who I love and support. I thank God that I have never seen them in that black space that I lived in so often.
“I now have a lifetime of experience of understanding myself and knowing what I need to do to support myself. ”
Looking after myself now
To look after myself now, I walk every day. I do craft work, and I love my genealogy hobby. I practice gratitude and I rejoice in the simple things in life.
I love listening to books. I have three beautiful girlfriends- we are always there for each other.
Being post-menopausal has certainly aided my mental health. I have a great sense of peace and gratitude mostly.
My message for other parents is that it is so important that your challenges are validated. Every person’s experience is individual, but it is real.
“There is support available. It is important to ask for and to accept help. The journey can be very painful, difficult, confronting, debilitating but you deserve to feel better. You deserve everything that will help you and your family be survivors. To reach your potential, to aim for the stars, to find yourself as you move back into the light.”
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