I'm 35, originally from the United States, my husband is 41, and we have a 4-year-old boy and 18-month-old boy/girl twins.
My expectations of new parenthood were pretty well informed. I had spent a great deal of my life babysitting, working in family day care, and even nannying babies, toddlers and children of various ages.
The biggest thing that surprised me with my experience was not so much the sleep deprivation, or the round the clock nature of being a mum, but the loneliness and social isolation. That was something I never expected.
I experienced this with my oldest who is now 4. When the twins came along, I already had a busy toddler and a much more connected social life among other parents of young children, so didn't have the same level of loneliness and isolation.
Challenges transitioning to parenthood and a new identity
I recognised I had postnatal anxiety with my oldest when he was around 12 months old. Looking back, I can see how severe my postnatal anxiety was, and how it affected my experience with him, and I really wish that I had sought help earlier.
I started regular therapy sessions with a psychologist when he was around two years old, the same time I had fallen pregnant with the twins. I wanted to go into a new pregnancy and postnatal journey with that support system in place.
Pregnancy was very straightforward with the twins. The first four or five weeks were intense but lovely, and then around week six and seven, I noticed some symptoms of postnatal depression.
“The experience massively impacted my sense of self-worth and confidence and made me question what I was doing with my life. ”
Being temporarily reduced to just a mum was a shock to my identity, and I really struggled with reclaiming my place in the world. I loved my babies very much and was absolutely thrilled to be a mum. But just being a mum wasn't enough.
I started feeling incredibly overwhelmed, easily irritated, and I had low moods that I couldn't shake myself out of. I felt hopeless, like the joy of life had been sucked out of me. It all came to a head when I started to have suicidal ideations.
Reaching out for help early
When I realised that I was experiencing postnatal depression, I booked an appointment with my GP straight away. I knew I wasn't coping on my own and likely needed antidepressants. My GP was very supportive of this, and the antidepressants I started on worked really well for me, with minimal side effects. They gave me the ability to enjoy life and cope with the day to day of being a mum of three under three.
It was a challenge to find a therapist. The wait times were incredibly long, and then there was a risk that we wouldn’t be compatible. Thankfully I got it right on the first try, and those therapy sessions have been a real lifeline. I've been in therapy now for over two years and have no plans of stopping. I also have a wonderful GP who helped with my mental health care plan.
“Therapy was a huge first step in the support that I needed and still need to this day. ”
My therapist did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with me, and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Honestly if I had known about this when I was in high school, I think it would have been radically life changing.
Looking after myself now
To look after myself now, I do reformer Pilates a few times a week, and maintain a strong social network of close friends, including other twin mums. I spend as much time as I can in my garden and prioritise alone time away from the kids.
My advice for other new parents is to reach out and ask for help. You're not doing this alone, even though it can feel like you're completely isolated from the rest of the world. You're not a failure; you are doing an amazing job.
