I am a 42-year-old nature and music lover. I am part of a beautiful, blended family, with my partner, my 7-year-old son, and my 22-year-old stepdaughter. We live in the Dandenong Ranges, among tall trees and lush ferns.
I slipped and fell a week before giving birth and hurt my arm. Despite having X-rays, it wasn't until after the birth that doctors realised it was broken. I was in a cast, and this impacted my ability to push a pram, breastfeed, and manage in general in the early days with my baby.
It feels silly now, but I don't think I realised how all-consuming new parenthood would be. Breastfeeding came easy but it was constant, and I was often engorged. Sleeping was a challenge for my baby, and therefore me. I expected to have a network of support through mothers' group, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
Anxiety about getting parenting ‘right’
I first felt the anxiety creeping in following the home visit from the maternal child health nurse. She made me feel foolish for injuring myself prior to birth and wasn't very kind about decisions I was making. This is when I started questioning if I was doing things 'right'.
“I found the barrage of conflicting advice from all sides completely overwhelming.”
Everyone had an opinion on how I was parenting my baby. “You hold him too much. You feed him too much. You shouldn't use a pram. You should use a carrier. You shouldn't use a carrier. You should use a pram. Not that pram. Are you eating sugar?! That will make him unsettled. Why doesn't he have socks on? Why is he so rugged up? Are you co-sleeping? You'll kill your baby! Why aren't you co-sleeping? - It's natural! Feed, play, sleep. Don't feed to sleep!” etc.
My son was a challenging sleeper, waking up between 10 and 20 times a night. A combination of the overwhelm, the isolation and the lack of sleep saw my mental health start to decline. At the 4 or 5-month mark, I started to have what I now know to be intrusive thoughts - I thought daily about injuring myself, just so I could go to hospital for a rest. It got to the point where I remember begging my partner to notice I wasn't okay, but he didn’t know how to handle it.
We failed sleep school. That's how it felt, anyway. I was struggling so very hard with sleeping, trying to do all the ‘right things’ and turning myself inside out in the process. I secured a last-minute spot at sleep school and suffered through 3 gruelling nights of watching my baby scream for comfort. As often happens, it ‘worked’ at first, but as soon as we tried it at home, it was back to how it was.
Feelings of failure and postnatal depression
At this stage I knew I wasn't okay - I had filled out a perinatal depression questionnaire at the sleep school, and I remember hesitating over the question of suicidal thoughts and eventually ticking 'sometimes'. This was never followed up on.
When the sleep school contacted me for my follow up call, and I begged them for more help, I was told I ‘Wasn’t trying hard enough'.
For the first time I started to feel detached from my baby. I was failing as a mother. My intrusive thoughts increased, and I started to self-harm.
Seeking help through PANDA and the GP, and an admission to the mother baby unit
One thing I am proud of is my ability to seek help - even if it doesn't come straight away. EVERYONE knew I was struggling, but not everyone knew how to help. I remember calling Lifeline, telling friends, even telling my mother-in-law. I am grateful to the lactation consultant in the early days who picked that I wasn't quite right, even if I didn't know it. I'm disappointed that I had to go to a MCHN out of area to get the proper support.
“It was PANDA that really set me on the path for getting the right support.”
I am forever thankful to the PANDA team for the support they provided to me at my darkest time. I didn't realise that it was so much more than a helpline. They called me back, they checked in on me, and most of all they advocated for me in tricky conversations with my partner, my GP, and other people. The PANDA counsellor was the first person I first talked to about my self-harm, and they helped me to have that conversation with my partner and my GP.
My GP flew into action after a phone meeting with PANDA and myself and supported me to get a bed at a mother baby unit (MBU). That's a whole other story but ultimately was the circuit breaker I needed to recover.
At times it felt like I was looking back at a different version of me. I couldn't believe things had got so dark, despite seeking help.
After getting the right supports, I trusted my own parenting style more. I also began medication, which had worried me in the past. I was able to relax into being a mother, and to communicate my own support needs more clearly.
Looking after myself now
For my self-care I sleep, spend time in nature, get creative, eat nourishing food, connect with friends and family and say no when I need to.
In everyday life I make sure to get outside and move my body when I can. Daily walks are my meditation. I try not to isolate myself and of course I value good quality sleep very highly!
I continue to see a psychologist for 'mental tune ups', which is very helpful. I am now better able to recognise when I'm feeling low or anxious and quickly put things in place to support my needs.
I’d want other parents to know to seek help even if it feels nobody is listening. Be honest with how you are feeling - help is there.
“The path to recovery isn't a straight line, but it's worth a few detours.”
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