For lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, asexual and other sexually or gender diverse (LGBTQIA+) people who have chosen to start or expand their family using assisted reproductive technology (ART), the journey can be full of unexpected challenges, including physical, mental and emotional stressors.
Whether we are:
- Wanting to start gender-affirming hormone therapy (GAHT) and thinking about fertility preservation
- Deciding between donor insemination (DI) and intrauterine insemination (IUI)
- On our first or seventh round of in vitro fertilization (IVF) or
- Booking into an online Rainbow Parents playgroup session with our baby and partners
The rainbow family fertility journey can be intense – full of moments of love and connectedness, but also grief, loss, and uncertainty at times.
Our ability to look after ourselves and our loved ones, to create and care for family, is such a unique strength.
Other strengths we bring to starting a family include:
- Intentional family planning and parenting choices
- Strengthening our family, chosen family and/or community networks
- Resilience and adaptability when we encounter challenges
- Advocacy skills: Working towards inclusive care for ourselves, our families and our community
Rainbow families can also face unique challenges when starting a family which may include:
- Harmful, inaccurate, discriminatory and dismissive assumptions or attitudes from healthcare providers, family and friends, community members
- Potential legal issues around parental rights and recognition
- Significant financial pressures in funding medical care
- Possible inclusion of a third party in the IVF process, and managing the relationship with them (egg/sperm donors and/or gestational carriers)
- Considerable wait times in starting a family
- Ongoing impacts of medical procedures on health and wellbeing
- A lack of family support in some cases.
- Lack of access to inclusive care.
For those of us going through this journey with a partner, IVF and related treatments can also put a great deal of stress on our relationships, at a time when we just want to feel close and connected.
How Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) can impact your mental health and journey to parenthood
If you or your partner have become pregnant after experiencing IVF or another ART, you may feel some pressure to simply ‘be grateful’ for your baby. It may feel disappointing or even shameful if you aren’t enjoying pregnancy and your new baby in the way you had hoped, and you may feel some pressure (from others, or yourself) to ignore any challenging feelings.
You might also feel discouraged or nervous about reaching out for help if you don’t feel that you are meeting the expectation to be grateful.
If you have previously experienced difficulties with health care services’ lack of inclusivity, or felt dismissed as the non-birth parent, it can be hard to seek support and deepen feelings of isolation.
Everyone experiences challenges with parenting, no matter what their conception and reproductive journey was like. It’s okay to express these feelings and seek help if you need to talk through how you’re feeling. There is safe, inclusive care available and it’s important to reach out and find the right support so that you can start to feel better.
After investing so much into pregnancy – physically, financially, and emotionally -some of us may experience concerns about our baby during pregnancy, despite medical reassurance. When baby is born, we can experience worries about the health of our baby (or ourselves).
These worries can feel overwhelming at times, even if you or your baby experiences a common health issue.
Some parents who have been through IVF find the idea of requesting an elective c-section reassuring, as it provides them with a sense of control during the birth. However, other parents who have been through IVF may prefer to avoid further medical intervention where possible. The most important aspect here is that parents feel safe, well-informed, and supported in their birth choices. However, sometimes births don’t happen according to our plans.
Birth can be complicated, and it can feel disappointing if it doesn’t go the way you had planned.
Strategies for helping with mental health challenges after IVF and related treatments
Knowing that an experience of IVF and ART can increase your likelihood of experiencing perinatal mental health challenges can be helpful.
You could prepare a mental health toolkit (like a first aid kit for the mind) to turn to if you feel you need it. See here for suggestions.
Monitor how you’re feeling and acknowledge that if you’re experiencing certain symptoms, such as persistent crying or trouble sleeping, you may need some support for your mental health. It can help to name how you’re feeling, for example, ‘I feel really sad right now’.
Acceptance
Try to sit with your challenging thoughts and feelings, accept their presence and make space for them instead of struggling with them.
Validate your feelings
It’s completely understandable that you might feel jealousy or anger or isolation, for example. Try to let go of any expectations of how you think you “should” feel or act. Also understand that your hormones can have an impact on your mental health symptoms.
Reframe
For example, what’s happening is likely to be out of your control. Try and look for any positives without feeling you need to minimise the negatives. Feeling low tends to make everything going on around us feel negative. See if you can notice and challenge any unhelpful thoughts and instead look for more helpful thoughts and perspectives.
Be in the moment
Try to focus on the here and now (not the past or future). Being present can reduce critical self-talk about past events and possible fear of failing if future hopes are not met.
Self-compassion
Be kind to yourself, speak to yourself like you would to a loved one who was feeling like this. Try to let go of any feelings or behaviours that aren’t serving you, for example, limiting contact with people who aren’t supportive of your journey to parenthood.
Safe and inclusive support options and the value of sharing your story
Talking about how you feel with a trusted person can bring emotional relief and sometimes a fresh perspective. Telling your story can feel empowering. If you would like to speak to someone, PANDA is here to listen on 1300 726 306 Monday to Saturday.
Connecting with other LGBTIQA+ families
Seeking out support groups specific to LGBTQIA+ families (ask your clinic if they run any support groups or search social media for groups for relating to IVF) can help you form connections with other people who share similar lived experience.
Self-care that feels achievable
Let go of anything that isn’t a priority at this time (e.g. folding washing) and replace it with something that will lift your spirits. Filling your wellbeing cup with regular mood boosters -like listening to music or taking a walk outside - can sustain you in small, practical everyday ways so that you have some mental energy to draw on whenever you’re facing a challenge.
Hope for the future
Recognise that your personal situation and outlook can change over time. You’re the expert in your life, and your family – you're strong, resilient, and seeking support along the way will ensure your family thrives.
As a pre-conception, expecting or new parent using ART to start or expand your family, you know better than anyone that this part of life isn’t a sprint – it’s a marathon. And it’s a great idea to take that same approach to caring for our mental and emotional health. All those small, practical, mini moments of self-support and caring for loved ones add up over time, and sustain our wellbeing in the long run. When we feel centred and connected, we can manage any life challenge we meet along the way to creating and caring for our babies and families.
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Mental health checklist
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Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges.
Complete our online mental health checklist to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be a reason to seek help.
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