New and expecting parents who have used assisted reproductive technologies such as IVF (invitro fertilisation) have often been on a long journey to become pregnant.
You can feel like you are emotionally running on empty as you start your pregnancy and enter parenthood.
Any additional challenges you experience during your pregnancy or in the early days of parenthood can feel more difficult when you’ve already been through so much.
Up to 75 per cent of people undertaking IVF will report anxiety or depression during treatment, according to Dr Katrina Moss from The Australian Women and Girls’ Health Research Centre.
Researchers from the University of Newcastle and the Hunter Medical Research Institute found that at least 50% of women with fertility issues experienced psychological distress (compared to women without fertility issues).
IVF and related treatments can also put a great deal of stress on relationships, at a time when partners just want to feel close and connected.
Your journey to parenthood might explain why you feel different
When you become pregnant after experiencing IVF, you may experience concerns about your pregnancy (despite medical reassurance) and find yourself unable to enjoy your pregnancy in the way you might have hoped.
You may not feel able to share your worries with others. It’s possible they won’t understand what you are going through as they may expect you to just feel grateful after all you have been through to become pregnant. This can lead to feelings of isolation.
When baby is born, some parents can experience worries about the health of their baby (or themselves). These worries can feel overwhelming if you or your baby experiences a common health issue.
Some parents who have been through IVF become reassured by medical intervention and find the idea of requesting an elective c-section provides them with more control over the birth. However, other parents who have been through IVF may prefer to avoid any further medical intervention where possible.
Parents who’ve been through IVF may feel it’s more challenging to speak up if they find any aspects of parenting difficult, or struggle to bond with their baby.
If you experience feelings of guilt or low self-esteem you may worry that you aren’t ‘allowed’ to complain and that your gratitude for being able to become a parent should overrule any of the challenging elements of parenting.
This isn’t true, of course. Everyone can experience challenges with parenting, no matter what their conception journey was like.
Strategies for helping with mental health challenges after IVF and related treatments
Knowing that an experience of infertility can increase your likelihood of experiencing perinatal mental health challenges can be helpful.
You could prepare a mental health toolkit (like a first aid kit for the mind) to turn to if you feel you need it.
Monitor how you’re feeling and acknowledge that if you’re experiencing certain symptoms, such as persistent crying or trouble sleeping, you may need some support for your mental health. It can help to name how you’re feeling, for example, ‘I feel really sad right now’.
Acceptance
Try to sit with your challenging thoughts and feelings, accept their presence and make space for them instead of struggling with them.
Validate your feelings
It’s completely understandable that you might feel jealousy or anger or isolation, for example. Try to let go of any expectations of how you think you “should” feel or act. Also understand that your hormones can have an impact on your mental health symptoms.
Reframe
For example, what’s happening is likely to be out of your control. Try and look for any positives without feeling you need to minimise the negatives. Feeling low tends to make everything going on around us feel negative. See if you can notice and challenge any unhelpful thoughts and instead look for more helpful thoughts and perspectives.
Be in the moment
Try to focus on the here and now (not the past or future). Being present can reduce critical self-talk about past events and possible fear of failing if future hopes are not met.
Self-compassion
Be kind to yourself, speak to yourself like you would to a loved one who was feeling like this. Try to let go of any feelings or behaviours that aren’t serving you, for example, limiting contact with people who aren’t supportive of your journey to parenthood.
Support options and the value of sharing your story
Talking about how you feel with a trusted person can bring emotional relief and sometimes a fresh perspective. Telling your story can feel empowering. If you don’t have anyone you can speak to, PANDA is here to listen on 1300 726 306 Monday to Saturday.
Seeking out support groups specific to IVF (ask your clinic if they run any support groups or search social media for groups for relating to IVF) can help you form connections with other people who share similar lived experience.
Self-care that feels achievable
Let go of anything that isn’t a priority at this time (e.g. folding washing) and replace it with something that will lift your spirits. Filling your wellbeing cup with regular mood boosters such as, listening to music or taking a walk outside, can help you replenish your reserves so that you have some mental energy to draw upon when you’re facing a challenge.
Hope for the future
Some people go through infertility for months, for others it may be many years. Recognise that your circumstances and perspectives can change over time. Moving beyond mental health challenges takes time. Ultimately you can feel stronger and empowered with new skills you’ve developed along this journey.
As a pre-conception, expecting or new parent using IVF to start or expand your family, you know better than anyone that this part of life isn’t a sprint – it’s a marathon. And it’s a great idea to take that same approach to caring for our mental and emotional health. All those small, practical, mini moments of self-support and caring for loved ones add up over time, and sustain our wellbeing in the long run. When we feel centred and connected, we can manage any life challenge we meet along the way to creating and caring for our babies and families.
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