PANDA recognises that becoming a parent is a big transition for any person, including birthing and non-birthing mothers, fathers, and gender-diverse parents. We support all parents and families during pregnancy and throughout the first year of parenthood, especially those facing barriers accessing mainstream services.
This article focuses on the experiences of women and Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB) individuals who experience pregnancy and the changes that come with it.
The transition to parenthood can bring intense change for mums and birthing parents, and these changes go beyond a growing bump. Changes to the brain and hormones in the perinatal period can impact identity, relationships, and mental wellbeing.
This transformation is called ‘matrescence’.
Matrescence isn’t the same thing as postnatal depression, but they can overlap. Like any big life changes, this period of transformation can impact your mental health, self-esteem, and relationships.
“This is one of the biggest development stages that a woman may experience in their life,” explains Julie Borninkhof, PANDA CEO and clinical psychologist.
“It’s a time when hormones, relationships, body, mind, and our self-identity all shift and change, and it can be very overwhelming.”
It’s common to feel lost during this time. Knowing what’s going on in your brain and body can help you make sense of your feelings and ask for support when you need it.
We explore what happens during matrescence and how to find yourself again if you’re feeling lost after baby.
“I didn’t know who I was for a long time. I didn't feel like I mattered or had an identity outside of ‘Mum’. It caused a lot of grief until I found myself again, and now I’m grateful for that journey of growth.”
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Hannah’s story: Matrescence and finding myself in motherhood
What happens during matrescence?
Like adolescence describes the transition to adulthood, matrescence describes the transition to motherhood.
Recent research shows how changes to the brain, hormones, and stress responses in the perinatal period help prepare mums and birthing parents for their new caregiving role.
The brain lets go of some information it doesn’t need so it can focus on information related to looking after a baby. This can cause brain fog and forgetfulness.
You might’ve heard the term “baby brain” used to describe these symptoms, but this term doesn’t account for all the amazing work your brain is doing to help you best care for your baby.
While matrescence can be overwhelming, it's also a special shift. It marks the beginning of your journey into motherhood, preparing you to nurture your baby and find yourself in your new role.
“It seems crazy, but I was not prepared for the profound journey of matrescence. This isn't talked about enough.”
Matrescence and feeling lost after baby
Matrescence can impact who you are, what’s important to you, and how you see the world. All these changes can make mums feel like they don't know who they are anymore.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, 62% felt they’d lost part of their identity after becoming a mum.
“Throughout our lives, we take on new roles, and motherhood is no different,” PANDA CEO Julie explains.
“These roles require us to jump in, take risks, gain experience, and get more comfortable with all that we need to do. For some, this comes easy, and for others, it doesn’t.”
“It’s very common to feel like an imposter and self-judge in these stages. At PANDA, we know that many of our callers and web users experience identity disruption during this time.”
“It was an indescribable tug-of-war between all-consuming love for my son and an overwhelming identity and existential crisis that left me feeling homesick and unrecognisable to myself.”
When do you start feeling like yourself again after baby is born?
It's normal to take some time to settle into your new life. It's even normal to miss your old life and identity. If you’re having a hard time adjusting, it's important to be kind to yourself and remember you’re not alone in these feelings.
Everyone’s experience of matrescence is different, but some mums have shared they started feeling like themselves again about a year after having their baby.
With so much change, you may never feel exactly like your old self again after becoming a parent, but you might find a new version of yourself that you’re proud of.
“It took me 14 months to accept my new life and identity as a mum. I’m proud of myself and in awe of everyone who’s been cracked open by motherhood and had to put the pieces back together, stronger and softer than before. I met myself in motherhood.”
How to find yourself or “get your pink back” after baby
The recent idea of “getting your pink back” after having a baby is inspired by flamingos. When flamingos become parents, their bright pink feathers fade due to the nutrients they lose while caring for their chicks. As their chicks grow up, the flamingos get their bright pink colour back.
This is a reminder that if you're feeling lost, flat, or depleted while you’re putting your baby’s needs first, there’s hope you’ll find yourself again.
Some ways to get your pink back might include:
- Talking to a loved one every day
- Getting out of the house every day
- Enjoying old hobbies or finding new ones
- Talking to other mums who make you feel seen
- Treating yourself to new clothes that feel like “you”
- Expressing your feelings through poetry, journalling, or artwork
- Speaking to yourself like you would a loved one, e.g. “You’re doing a great job. You can be proud of yourself.”
- Having time to yourself every day, even if it’s just 10 minutes to go for a walk while listening to your favourite music or to do your skincare routine.
Matrescence and mental health
It's common for new and expecting mums to grieve their past life and face mental health challenges during this period. This doesn’t mean you love your baby any less or are less capable of being a good parent.
“Regardless of your mental health journey, matrescence impacts our hormones and our emotions, bringing instability for many new mums,” says Julie.
“This may make us more vulnerable to mental health issues, or impact those who have experienced mental health conditions in the past.”
There are a few ways you can support your mental wellbeing on your motherhood journey:
- Prioritise self-care. It’s important to meet your own needs, even if you can only manage five minutes a day to shower, brush your teeth, and put on a clean shirt.
- Lean on your support network and let them know how you’re feeling. Share this article if you think it’ll help them understand what you’re going through.
- Seek help from PANDA or your mental health professional.
Not sure whether you need help? You can complete our checklist to get a better idea of how you’re going.
“I think my initial resistance to all the changes to myself, my relationships, and my lifestyle contributed to my eventual postnatal depression. But knowing there was a word to describe this experience felt really validating.”
When you need some extra help
You don’t need to be in crisis to seek support on your parenting journey. If you could use some help navigating matrescence, we’re here for you.
“We encourage anyone needing support for their mental health and wellbeing to get support from their friends, their care community, or from PANDA,” says Julie.
“Through this support, your role as a new parent may feel a bit more manageable and less overwhelming.”
The PANDA National Helpline offers a safe, caring, and confidential space to talk:
1300 726 306
Monday to Friday, 9am - 7.30pm
Saturday, 9am – 4pm (AEST/AEDT)
We offer more advice for new parents in this article.
“We recognise adolescence as a major developmental stage in human beings, and we give grace to teenagers finding their footing during this time. We owe people going through matrescence the same understanding and care.”
Articles
Stories
Real stories from parents in the perinatal period
Mental health checklist
How are you going?
Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges.
Complete our online mental health checklist to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be a reason to seek help.
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