I'd always wanted to be a mum. But after I gave birth, I felt nothing but fear and guilt.
"Becoming a mother was supposed to be a dream come true. It was something I had been imagining for as long as I could remember.
I loved being pregnant. There were difficult moments, but overall I just felt so much excitement and couldn’t wait to meet our beautiful baby. Things started to go downhill when I went into labour – the whole experience was really traumatic and I felt that my wishes and concerns were brushed aside.
Our little boy wanted to make a spectacular entrance by coming out face-first, which was putting a lot of pressure on his neck and causing a huge amount of stress for both myself and him. We were minutes away from an emergency caesarean when my obstetrician assisted with a ventouse and I was able to safely deliver him naturally.
My son, Isaac, was placed on my chest and I expected to feel a rush of positive emotion; “overwhelming love” as it had so often been described to me. But I felt nothing but fear. This fear intensified over the following days. I would stare at Isaac as he slept, trying to summon any positive feeling."
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