Before having children I was a very outgoing person who loved spending time with friends, family and my husband. We had a new home, the baby’s room was organised and setup for months in advance and we couldn't wait to meet our baby!
Our beautiful baby boy Maddox arrived by Caesarean. I was so happy and excited to meet him the day he arrived. The next day, the tears started. We put this down to the baby blues and didn't think anything of it. We went home on day 5 and from this day on my life completely changed. All I could think was 'Is this my life now? What the hell have I done?'.
I became an introvert, I could barely speak with my friends as all I did was cry. I read books on babies constantly and kept wondering why on earth my baby wasn't doing what they said he should. I would never leave the house when it was sleep time. Maddox was always put in his bed and I just couldn't bear the thought of shopping with him. I found that I couldn't be alone anymore. All I wanted was for my mum to be around - not to tell me what to do, just for the reassurance that everything I was doing was ok. She stayed at night, even when my husband was home. This was hard on him, he didn't understand what was wrong with me and why I wasn't like all of our other friends who had babies and seemed to be coping fine.
Six hard long months passed. During this time not only had it taken a toll on myself, but also my husband and our parents. Finally, after much convincing from my family I made an appointment with a psychologist. This was the turning point. I started medication and five weeks later the fog had started to lift. I could finally think a little straighter, I wasn't perfect but I could finally be a mum to Maddox and start to enjoy him.
Three years after our first boy was born we were ready for our 2nd child - I was so excited and I really thought I could do it. Our gorgeous boy Ashton was born 10 days before Maddox's 3rd birthday and we went home from hospital an extremely happy family and I was coping really well.
On day 9 it hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was like somebody flicked a switch and it all started over again. This time, however, my thoughts were worse. I would go shopping on my own and dream of driving and not stopping, I didn't want to go home to my children, I just wanted to leave and never go back. I thought the kids and my husband would have a better life without me. My mind was a haze and I was in a deep dark hole and couldn't see my way out.
This time I knew the signs and agreed with my husband and parents that I should see my GP and I started on medication. For the next five weeks I was never left alone and throughout this time my family and friends listened to me cry. They supported me when times were tough and never left my side.
Today our boys are two and five and life is much better. I still suffer with anxiety and I like routine and structure with the boys. Having kids has changed me - but I am ok with this now and so is my husband, family and friends. I am thankful everyday that I reached out and asked for help, some days are still tough but it is worth it, and I am so pleased I am still here to enjoy my family.
"The next day the tears started. We put this down to the baby blues and didn't think anything of it. We went home on day 5 and from this day on my life completely changed. All I could think was 'Is this my life now?' What the hell have I done?'…"