Rowena's Story

All I ever wanted to be growing up was a Mother, When I found out I was pregnant I felt like my life was about to turn into the direction I always imagined it would go. I had a very healthy pregnancy, and there was no reason to suspect that I would have any issues come the big day. After 3 days of stretched out labour I was at told both the baby and I were in distress and I would need an emergency C-section.

When Evelyn was born, I heard her cry and I cried from such joy and relief, but I was exhausted and next thing I knew they were forcing this thing onto my breast to feed, and left me to it. It was then that I realised, I felt no love, no bond with this tiny human. I had just been through the worst experience of my life I had slept approximately 5 hours in the last 72 and now my husband and I had been left alone to look after a baby with no guidance what so ever.

In the hospital I kept complaining of feeling like I was floating, like I wasn't connected to my body, I couldn't sleep, I barely ate, and instead of resting while Evelyn was sleeping all I did was stare at her and think “what have I done?” I asked the nurse to only give me Panadol for the pain, because I thought it was the medication, but nothing changed. I asked to leave the hospital 3 days after my surgery because I knew something wasn't right, and I thought going home would help me find my feet.

I should have known what was going on when I refused to sit in the back seat next to my newborn on her first car trip home, when I made an excuse not to hold her, when I kept leaving the room to just get away.I ended up in ED that night, because I literally couldn't feel my body. I felt like a brain floating in air, if I touched my two fingers together there was no sensation, and I would have to look down to see if they were touching.The ED doctor went through the usual tests to rule out infection, and then asked if I thought it was Postnatal Depression. As soon as she said those words I knew she was right.

I saw my Dr the next day and scored the highest possible score on the K10 test. She made a call to her colleague who is a psychologist and I was booked in for the next day, where I was officially diagnosed not only with PND but with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The feeling of disconnection from my body was a classic sign of PTSD. If I didn't have my husband at home for the next 6 weeks they told me they would have hospitalised me but after weekly visits I started to improve to the point where 6 weeks later when my Husband had to return to work, I found that I survived the day and I made it my goal just to get through one day, one week, one month at a time. About 6 months after Evelyn was born I had pretty much turned into the mother I always knew I could be and another 6 months after that it was then that I noticed that days would go by and the PND and PTSD didn't even cross my mind.

I am now pregnant again, 3 years after my daughter was born. I do have concerns about PND coming back, but now I know the signs and my Dr will keep a close eye on me, so I am confident that if it returns that it will not last as long, because PND isn't permanent, it does get better and before you know it, your through that dark place.

My advice to anyone in this position, is to seek help, don't suffer alone, take the medication, do what ever you have to do to make it easier, because there is no bravery award for doing it by yourself and suffering longer than you need to. It will pass, I know it feels like it will never end, but it will.